I had holidays a while ago and was in my first week back at work. It so happened that the last week of my holiday, I could feel the pain that was low level, start to dial up in intensity.
Great I thought. My intention was to go back to work rested and refreshed. This is the reality of living with pain though. Best intentions get waylaid because of not knowing what your body will feel like tomorrow. Bit like a russian roulette of pain. I feel a lot of emotion about this. The main ones being confusion and despair. What else can I do?
I have tried everything. September 2020 onwards I changed my diet, lifestyle and veered towards the biohacking/functional medicine type of life. It worked, it definitely helped. Until I hit a wall of pain that flared up every now and again. I have done a lot of stuff, trust me. I can tell you where to save your money and what to try.
I believed back in the early days, of the Fibromyalgia diagnosis, I could change this and heal my body. Now I wonder if belief in a thing is enough. Is it? I am still in pain and I know, how long is a piece of string applies to healing the body. Still, patience is tricky.
The sticky bit I am grappling with is acceptance. Maybe it is time to accept I am where I am. I have done all I can where my health is concerned. I can’t keep chasing for cures, trying random things, looking for answers to the latest symptom or resisting it all. It is taking some energy to even do all of that stuff. It is exhausting. I'm not saying I’m going to stop looking after myself. I just wonder, is now the time for a different attitude? One of acceptance and perhaps trust. Trusting in my body that it is doing it’s best and is healing. Whatever that looks and feels like.
My body certainly is speaking to me. Am I listening? I think so. I try to adjust my life according to what my body needs.
However, I heard recently of someone saying they did things despite the pain. They didn’t let the pain stop them doing what they wanted. I loved that at the time. In reality though, pain can be disabling and sometimes life does need to be altered to adjust.
It is about balance. One I am always striving for. Whenever I think I have it figured out, I get hit by a dose of heavy hitting pain. It wipes the floor with me. I need extra rest and isolation because people are too much for my nervous system when I’m like this. Modern life isn’t geared like that though is it? It's geared towards go go go, working full time, and ‘earning’ a living. I hate that term.
When you get pain persistently, it’s easy to feel disconnected from one’s body. It's easy to feel like your body is attacking you. I don’t have the answer yet, as to how one feels at home in ones body. When I do I promise I will share it with you.
Today I am in pain and my pain wants a voice. I am angry. I want my life to be different. Do I make myself a martyr to the pain? Do I carry on sometimes when I should stop? Where are the places or people I can stop doing this in? Am I advocating for myself enough? Often the places to do that the most is with our loved ones and at work. They are always the people we struggle to speak up to. Simply because we love them and want to protect them or be strong for them. Thus creating a false illusion. I am constantly learning with my pain. It has been my biggest teacher.
I know what I want and how I want to live. What I need to do now is find a way to do all I want to do with the pain. Constantly giving it space to be heard and held. Yet not being stopped by the pain. Easy Peasy.
If you know the answer to this, answers on a postcard please. If you are figuring this out like me, I will keep sharing what I am doing.
*Since writing this post I have started really getting to terms with how my emotions/mind are impacting the pain and how I can release emotions stuck in the body. I’m using various methods of exercise, breathwork and somatic stuff. I will share more on this at a later point as there is a real link between emotions, past trauma and how the body unconsciously holds on to this. A great book is Deb Shapiro’s Your Body Speaks Your Mind.