This must happen to you, right? You're scrolling through Instagram, scroll scroll scroll. Then you stop because an image catches your eye and you decide to read the caption. The sentence you read makes you stop and gasp.
This was the sentence. ‘’We've got a blindfold on which is literally stopping us from seeing our own worth and value'', from healer.josephine. This was me. I had realised, last year that some of how I feel about myself is tied up with how I look. As my physical body had gone through changes, it opened my eyes to how little I valued myself. My self-worth was lower than I thought. I felt like last year’s health events had conspired to wake me up and remove the blindfold. I read the sentence from healer.josephine on the way to see a Trichologist (hair expert) and I was feeling nervous. In fact, that morning, I had over analysed my hair to see if it looked OK and was nervous about being in Birmingham. So, I knew that my self-worth was low from all the uncomfortable feelings I felt that morning. With the hair loss and other physical changes, it really brought up feelings of not feeling beautiful. I feared how others would see me or judge me. Would men find me attractive? Did I even find myself attractive?! I knew the issue was deeper than what was going on outside, as stressful as that was. Side note: I wrote this about May time, it is now some months later. I have had a bit of perspective on my ‘dark’ feelings. In that, the dark feelings aren’t bad they actually were useful. They signposted me to what was really going on under the surface and showed me what I needed to address. I really do believe now that even our darker feelings or ego side, should be shown love. It isn't some Jekyll and Hyde character, that you have to make disappear. Rather, I'm learning to accept that I have that side in me and show that side love. That side developed for a reason, most likely to protect me when I needed it, the only way it knew. Anyway, back to the self-worth. I know life is not certain. I get it. I really do not like uncertainty and in wanting answers I've gone down the yellow brick road. I looked for answers in all the wrong places and people. They didn’t have the answers. No thing is the one. I'm the one, the answers are all in me, to listen to, accept and acknowledge. But you know what, I am going to change, that is a fact. We all are. We age, which is a luxury many don't get. In ageing my appearance will change. I'll get grey hairs, wrinkles, my skin and boobs may sag and more. Am I really going to go the rest of my life worried about my appearance so much? Worried of how others see me? No. No way. What a way to live is that?! I don't want that. I know first-hand all the energy and mind space all this takes. The effects of lack of self-worth are huge. I refuse to go through my life with those feelings not resolved or reduced greatly.
I guess I'm not new to this journey I've been on my 'self-discovery' journey since 2015. 2021 was the year things really became clear. I've delved further into healing myself and strengthening my own self-worth. Ultimately, I matter. You matter. We all do. There have been times this year I've really doubted if I can do all that I need to heal my body and my heart. Other times I know I can as I've climbed mountains so far. It’s easy to forget when your inner critic kicks in. That part of us deserves love too. After all, it is acting out of fear and is as much a part of us as our kindness or compassion.
This is what I did in fear. This is what a person can do. I went to a hair clinic who definitely catered to my fear. He told me to act now before I lose more hair and honestly, I was so terrified. I was definitely vulnerable in going there. In any case, the cost of treatment was thousands of pounds. I left upset and went to speak to my mum who very calmly said, ‘’it’s still a risk though, isn’t it? You could spend all that money with no guarantee.’’ She was right. It wasn’t addressing the route cause of the issue. In any case she then went on to tell me, some people have hair some people don’t. Her message was we are loveable regardless.
In any case, I can tell you numerous stories where I acted out of fear. Ultimately each decision was rooted in the fear of what others would think of me, what I would look like and how low I felt about myself.
I don’t know what the future holds for any of this. What I do know is this fear of uncertainty and not accepting myself has to change because I deserve it to change. I deserve to feel good about myself regardless of how I look or whatever my pain levels.
I share this because there are a lot of us who feel like this. Hearing others stories we glimpse parts of ourselves or learn something useful about ourselves. Also, it alleviates feelings of loneliness, when you know someone else has experienced what you have. If my acting in fear, stops you acting out in fear and saves you a ton of money like my mum did me, then job done. Each big decision made should be made from our heart. Lesson learnt.
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