You are alone. You are alone. You are alone. That's what my pain screams at me. That I am alone and not in a good way but the lonely, isolated kind of way.
I had a full on flare and my pain was screaming at me. No amount of positivity was going to fix this. No sugar coating the truth. The truth was my body was in pain. Pain impacts one's emotions. Mine were definitely impacted. Somebody said to me today, do you feel isolated? I thought what kind of question is that?! Of course I feel isolated! With how much pain I was in that day, I thought no one could understand what I was going through. My pain convinces me sometimes that I am alone. It’s easy to believe this. To feel you are floating on an island of misery somewhere alone. The weird irony is that sometimes it is easier on your own because you don't have to explain your pain to another person. Sometimes people don’t get pain and can be quite mean. (Never mind the fact I was judging them and not even giving them the chance to support me). Sometimes, I feel disconnected from my own body. How could I not? My body feels alien to me when I'm in pain. My mind feels separate to my body. Ultimately when I read this back, I knew this was pains perspective and not necessarily the complete truth. Pains perspective is distorted by the very fact, it is in so much pain, it blinds him from anything else. It blinds him to the truth as all he can think of is surviving. One foot in front of the other. In that state pain hasn't got the capacity to go hey, I’ll be open minded or whatever. I will give people a chance to be there for me. Pain has already thought ahead and calculated the risk of letting a person in and them letting you down.
You have to give it to pain, it is actually one smart cookie. This I know for sure, without pain I wouldn’t know what was going on in my body. In any case, pain does what it does best and finds ways to survive.
Sometimes my days are so bad. Is it ok? No. However this isn't a pity post. It's ok to feel this and show that we feel this. It doesn't mean it's the complete truth. Also, it's no dig at anyone. (If a family member is reading this and feels upset, it is not a dig).*
* If something triggers you, look at why it is. What is it telling you? Often the trigger is something that is going on with us, not to do with the person triggering us. So, if this post gets you all hot and triggered. Great, go investigate. That trigger may lead to your greatest healing.
In reading this back it did highlight a few things that when I'm pain, I get judgemental. I know usually I'm not alone. I have a great support network around me. When I'm in pain I need extra TLC. Some people I need to stay away from when I'm in pain mode. My pain truth is not the complete truth but that is ok. It's still a part of me that needs expressing. Also, I realised I was judgemental to myself. A reaction reading this back was, does this sound like a pity party, a poor me type of thing? Well, hell Amerdeep. Who cares really?! If it's a pity party I deserve it, for the amount of pain I can feel. My pain deserves to be heard, whatever it has to say. Sometimes it says it's not fair and that's ok because it isn't. Embracing all parts of ourselves is healthy. It's important to be honest with ourselves about why we feel what we feel on these days. Usually there is a lot we can learn from themselves, when we go digging in our own hearts. I learnt I need different things when I'm pain and even need to be around different people. If a person can't be compassionate to me when I'm like this, I stay away from those people. I know who they are. I try to give myself space from things that aggravate me and that normally one can cope with in life. I guess the actual question is, why do I have things in my life that aggravate me, but I put up with normally? When I'm in pain I can't tolerate it. A wise person said, those people are your teachers, your triggers. Or how about just removing them from your life period? Hmmm a question to debate for another day. Certainly taking people out of one’s life needs to be done with care and tact. Almost like removing a painful tooth. Hurts when it’s being done, better when it’s out but healing time is needed. Best done with skill. In any case not something I can ponder on a pain day. Folks, my brain works too fast as you’ve probably gathered! I just know that some of the things that annoy us can't be removed at a snap of the fingers. In any case, if this post does resonate with you in any way, is there a way you can give your pain space to be heard? Is there a way be to gentler with yourself on those lonely, pain days?
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